Honesty Box

“My child, I have a message for you today. Let me whisper it in your ear so any storm clouds that may arise will shine with glory, and the rough places you may have to walk will be made smooth. It is only four words, but let them sink into your inner being, and use them as a pillow to rest your weary head. ‘This is my doing.’

“I want you to learn when temptations attack you, and the enemy comes in ‘like a pent-up flood,’ that ‘this is my doing’ and that your weakness needs My strength, and your safety lies in letting Me fight for you.”

“I am the God of circumstances. You did not come to this place by accident – you are exactly where I meant for you to be. Have you not asked Me to make you humble? Ten see that I have placed you in the perfect school where this lesson is taught. Your circumstances and the people around you are only being used to accomplish My will.”

(“Streams in the Desert,” February 1)

I haven’t been real with y’all, and I said I would be. Only a handful of you have heard the real story about life in Namibia. As supporters and faithful friends, you deserve an update and honest insight into the realities of my adjustment in Namibia.

Today marks one month in Ohangwena. Hallelujah! You should know that I can now confidently say that these days are good. It’s important to give away the ending of this post.

Things did not begin this way, though. The first two weeks at my site were really hard. Every fiber of my being wanted to jump on a plane home.

I was adjusting to life in Namibia really poorly. All of my usual methods of coping and finding hope in unfamiliar situations were failing. I had no enthusiasm about anything and felt like I was losing the core of my being. I cried (a lot) and woke up every morning feeling like this was the end of the world. Eventually, I realized that I had to physically fight those thoughts and feelings; that despite how real they were, they were not healthy or true. Clearly, God is still here – and nothing is too big for us to handle with Him leading us.

After a week, I sent out a desperate email to some of my closest girlfriends back home. There are few times in life when we realize how completely powerless we are to conquer our own giants. Certainly, God is there to fight for us. But He purposefully puts people and community in our lives to support us, pray for us, speak truth into our lives, and carry us when we can no longer stand. In my email, I explained that while I could recite a whole list of God’s promises that should get me through, none of them were changing my life. I admitted, “it’s a terribly discouraging feeling to know the Truth and be completely unable to apply it in my life. So...I don’t even know what my prayer requests are. I struggle to even put words to my prayers, so usually they end up being ‘umm...as;ldkaf;skjdfl;kj;lwkjwe...please just get me through today.’”

The encouraging, God-filled responses they sent me were completely humbling and comforting. Over the next few days, I could physically feel the prayers from home. I received many unexpected emails from friends around the world saying that I’d been on their hearts and they were praying for me. The outpouring of unprompted support was crazy. There’s no other way to explain it other than the sovereignty of God.

As I said in my Day 40 post, I reached a turning point ten days ago. I actually wrote in my journal that morning, “Today is going to be a GREAT day!” I’ve made a lot of conscious decisions in my life – deciding that piano would be my passion at age 6, deciding to love math in 3^rd grade – and this one seemed like the craziest of all. But it wasn’t. Life has taken a 180 spin since Day 40. Some days are still really, really difficult and it’s easy to feel discouraged. But I am learning to lean on God and trust Him despite my human emotions and reactions to situations. I am slowly learning what it means to be content in all situations. I have to constantly make a decision between giving into worry/fear/despair or trusting that God’s purposes are bigger than my moments.

Faith needs to continue despite our circumstances. God does not change – whether you’re working in Nashville, still in school, or living in Namibia. “Faith that believes it will see, will keep us from becoming discouraged. We will laugh at seemingly impossible situations while we watch with delight to see how God is going to open a path through our Red Sea.”

Each day is still a battle and while the last ten days have been a major improvement, I know there will be challenging days on the road ahead. But for now, I am grateful for small joys, the sweet encouragement of friends, and the grace of God. And if I ever doubt that, I just have to look to the Namibian sky to remember how great He truly is.