Ten Rules for Returning from Your Time in Africa

Rule #1: Do not eat three ice cream cones and one deep dish pizza on your first day back in America, no matter how much you profess to adore milk products. You will experience dairy overload and want to die.

Rule #2: Do not be a dummy. Do not wash your face with cold water. The hot water is there for a reason. Use it!

Rule #3: Do not cry when you open your luggage and everything smells like stale body odor and humidity, including the stuffed animal you so childishly took with you on your trip. It'll come out or you'll throw it out.

Rule #4: If you forget why America is great, just follow the signs:

Rule #5: Do not worry when you can't peel yourself off the couch on your first day back. This is not depression or a failure to adjust appropriately. It's simple indulgence and relaxation; much deserved after your long travels.

Rule #6: When you go to the grocery store for the first time, honor the 12 Days of American Foods song in your shopping list: 12 cereal boxes, 11 bags of candy, 10 things of Goldfish, 9 Tombstone pizzas, 8 fresh veggies, 7 pints of ice cream, 6 mac&cheeses, 5 chocolate cakes, 4 Chips Ahoy, 3 cheese wheels, 2 brownie mixes, and a box of double stuffed Oreos.

Rule #7: Do not drive on the left side of the road.

Rule #8: Text your friends all.the.freaking.time just because you can.

Rule #9: Turn off your alarm and hunker down in your snuggly familiar bed for more hours than necessary.

Rule #10: Do not worry about remembering why you have the greatest friends. Hopefully, they've already got that covered.